It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
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