the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
