I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Randomize
