blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
