Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
