She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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