I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
