i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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