i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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