In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
