someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
