I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
