I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
