just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
