You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
