Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
how drunk are you?
Several
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
