Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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