the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
