So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
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