Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
