i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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