At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I think I am morally bankrupt
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Someone came in the potted fern
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
