Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
