i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
he's gonorrhea incarnate
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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