I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
