Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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