i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Randomize
