My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
