can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
