I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
