another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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