I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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