so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
