my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
