im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
