my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
