She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
