just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
