i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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