Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
