You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
