WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
