Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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