Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
false alarm, still single
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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