Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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