D3 body, D1 cock
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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