Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
