If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
