if i can run in heels then i can drive
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
