Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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