I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
